By Way of Introduction

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him vote. They would have to modify the booth to accommodate his horse shape.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Muppets Start WWIII

Many of you remember The Muppet Show from your youth as the funnier, less preachy, and less educational evening version of Sesame Street. You fondly recall the two judges in the box seats making verbal jabs at the show going on below them. You sometimes confuse the Swedish chef with Beaker, rarely remember Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and still call the dirty hippie girl "the dirty hippie girl" because you don't remember ever knowing what her name was (it's Janice!). Well, I hate to break this news to you, but apparently the Muppets are sinister seditionists whose main goal is to undermine American values and society and, ideally, start the War Between the Classes. Worst of all, they're doing this by brainwashing our own children! And on our own dimes!


The video is long, because FoxNews couldn't figure out anything better to do with seven minutes of air time, but the upshot is that The Muppets are pinko commie... puppets. In fact, if you rearrange the letters in The Muppet Show, you get "Evil Liberal Agenda." Coincidence? I think not.

Slightly off subject, couldn't real news sue Fox for misrepresenting it? I mean, I can't just call my blog Rupert Murdoch's Evil Empire Mouthpiece, can I? Or... can I?

But don't accuse FoxNews of being one-sided, and don't give the Muppets all the credit. Apparently, Henson's creations are just picking up the baton from Sesame Street.


You should have seen this coming, truthfully. Ernie and Bert are gay, Big Bird is a tranny, Oscar the Grouch is a bum living off the state, and God only knows what Snuffleupagus is. Put the whole lot of them together, and you get a cadre of imaginary characters who are out to institute a totalitarian regime here in our own United States of America.

"So that's why they called them Reds."
The strange thing is, I had Beaker pegged as an Objectivist, what with the constant "Me me me" attitude, which is a philosophy usually associated with conservatives. Perhaps I've been selling the old boy short.

Friday, December 2, 2011

All Your Bucks Are Belong To Us

For today, a short stick figure dramatization:
If this goes well, one day we may be able to afford noses.

Mo' money, mo problems.

When I was a kid, this would have gotten you four candy bars.



We've got to figure out how to split 117¢ two ways.
Stabbin' people with their hobo knives.


Mostly because they'll be carrying bb guns.








Friday, November 25, 2011

Brooklyn Bridge for Sale

Dateline Georgia: Bill Looman, a businessman in Waco, Georgia has put signs on his company trucks stating “New Company Policy: We are not hiring until Obama is gone.” He says he blames "the people in power" for the economic situation, but his sign doesn't mention the Republican-controlled House - the people that are responsible for the budget, the deficit, and every law we've ever passed in the United States. Nor does he mention that the banks refuse to lend the trillions of dollars they've got sitting in their vaults. So I'm going to go out on a limb here and call Mr. Looman disingenuous.

I don't like his economic policy, but I wasn't stepping on him.
Unfortunately, I don't think he's alone in his plans to hold out on hiring until Mr. or Mrs. Republican is elected in 2012. I'm not big on conspiracy theories, mostly because people are just not that good at keeping juicy secrets. Or even lame secrets, for that matter.


Still, the plan seems to be to block anything and everything that might help the economy so that President Obama gets blamed and the Republicans can then ride in on their platinum horses and announce that tax cuts for the wealthy will fix the economy. At that point, the banks will start lending that money they've been hoarding (YOUR money, I might point out, if you are a taxpayer and your bank was bailed out) and it will appear as though they were right all along.


And most of us will fall for it. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Minor Observations

A quote from Texas Governor Rick Perry, referencing a campaign contribution from Merck Pharmaceuticals. "It was a $5,000 contribution that I had received from them," Perry said. "I raised about $30 million, and if you're saying that I can be bought for 5,000, I'm offended."

A real straight-up dude.
In fact, he's received closer to $30,000 from Merck over the years, but who's counting? The point most people seem to have missed here is the way he replied to the suggestion that he had been bought by the drug company, and that their contributions to his campaigns led him to issue an executive order requiring the HPV vaccine for young girls in Texas. Note that he doesn't argue that he can be bought, but instead objects to the implication that he could have been bought for such a paltry sum. It takes way more than $5,000 to buy Rick Perry. Apparently, it takes more like $30,000.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Things to Come

For the two people out there who are reading this, I would like to apologize for the e-n-o-r-m-o-u-s length of time between my first two posts.

Now that that's out of the way, I have a few ideas on which I'd like some constructive criticism.

1) I want to start a website where I post my invaluable political opinions and ask readers to argue me out of them.  If your argument sways me, it gets posted, as it is now MY opinion.  I may even claim it was mine the whole time.  Who knows?
    a) This idea was an offshoot of the above, so it doesn't count as its own idea, even though it may be a far cooler idea.  And I know this line is supposed to be indented, but it won't let me do that in the intuitive way, and it just doesn't matter enough to me to find out how to do it.

Hold the phone, Joan.

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Why don't you just use the bullets option.  It's RIGHT THERE AT THE TOP OF YOUR STUPID PAGE."  Well, it just so happens that I hate using the bullet formatting, because, inevitably, I want to change something about the accepted format and can't.  At least not without doing more research, which brings us right back to the same issue we had with bullet formatting.

Laziness.

And don't yell.  I'm way too old to be yelled at.  This has gotten too convoluted.  I'm going to start with a brand new letter.
    b) I think I just figured out how to do the indenting.
    c) Yep.  I did.
    d) Here it is:  You take these opinions, which we discussed way back in the first paragraph, and
        you run for President. Seriously. On no money. Try and get some donated time from some
        webbies, get yourself a huge volunteer force, and see if we can't get rid of the old idea that you
        need a ton of cash to run a real campaign. If it takes off, the free publicity alone would probably be
        enough exposure to make some waves.

We need to make it so our lawmakers don't need corporate money or special interest money to get elected, or re-elected. Truthfully, I think term limits would be in order for Congresspersons, but I think that the most immediate threat to our democratic system is the issue of We the Peoples' representatives in government being bought. In no way was that part of the deal, and it has got to stop.

The Wall Street occupation is refreshing, but I think they need to evolve to be truly meaningful. Focus. Consolidate. Vote. Abstaining from a vote is not a meaningful form of political action. Write someone in if you don't like any of the candidates on your ballot. Hell, write me in.

I heard a law prof from Harvard speaking on the radio the other day about his new book, in which he discusses the idea of calling a new Constitutional Convention. Apparently, the States can call such a convention, if Congress has grown too corrupt. He thinks that the ideal result from such a Convention would be an amendment regarding campaign financing. While he makes some good arguments, and I like the idea, there are too many ways for it to go wrong.

Horribly wrong.
What if this convention gets together and decides they have a different agenda? Think of how much money and effort would go into buying the States' votes. I guess it could solve some State budget issues.

Now post me your thoughts on these ideas.  Separately, and as a matched pair.  Maybe the first part is viable, but the second is cuckoo.

And keep it clean.  Words tell us a lot about each other.  Pun intended.  But seriously, they do.

And yes, I know you can't have a "1)" without a "2)." But times are tough, and we just couldn't afford a "2)."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Inaugural Edition

I wrote this last Monday night, got busy, never posted it.  So, for what it's worth, here is my first actual post.  Fittingly, it is late.  "Why is that fitting?" you might ask.  "Mind your business." would be one possible response to that question.

My wife has recently begun blogging. 'Nuf said. I had to launch my own blog out of necessity, as it's the only way I'm ever going to be able to get her attention again. Truth is, I've been meaning to do this for some time, and seeing how much fun she's having with it kind of lit a fire under my rear end to do the same.

I have plans for this blog to have a decidely political slant, but for now... a rant. Rant #1 of many is about the NFL™. Specifically, Monday Night Football™. More specifically, Jon Gruden™. Now, Jon went to high school in my hometown, and I liked him all right when he was at the helm in Tampa Bay, but his game-calling is atrocious. He'll say things like "You've got to look for anything here." when describing what the defense should expect on a particular play.  

Thanks for breaking that down for us, coach.

Then he started firing off a bunch of the Bucs' salary numbers.  10 million here, 52 million there, etc.  I'll bet the NFL loved that junk.  All these poor and/or jobless peeps out there watching some football to escape the reality of plenty-o-bills, but not plenty-o-bucks, and this guy is nonchalantly talking about the obscene salaries of these guys who get paid to play a game.  I could just imagine Grudey's boothmates cringing every time he opened his mouth.

And why do we need three people in the booth?


If you can't find two guys who can perform that job, you're just looking in the wrong places. Stop giving jobs to every retired coach or athlete who can form a semi-coherent sentence and start giving them to qualified broadcasters. The best thing you can do is find the game on the radio and mute the television.

I particularly enjoyed hearing Jon struggling to make it sound impressive that his beloved Bucs were hanging with the Colts. The Manning-less Colts. The Bullitt-less, Bracket-less Colts. The 0 and 3 (now 0 and 4) Colts. The Jim Caldwell Colts. "Who?" you ask? He's the coach. Not that you'd know it. It's like he's trying not to get noticed out there. It must be working, because it took ESPN's camera crews about three quarters to find him.

I also liked hearing Jon complain about every penalty against Tampa Bay being a bad call. Apparently, only Grudey is allowed to criticize officiating, and only when he's calling a Bucs game. Maybe he should recuse himself from future games involving his former teams, like a judge recuses him/herself from cases in which their impartiality could be compromised.

Unless you sit on the Supreme Court, in which case you can do whatever you want to with impunity, including making it legal to purchase elections outright.  Thank you for making sure the little guy out there remains in his rightful place at the bottom of the heap.  If I thought there was any chance that you know what shame is, I would tell you that you should be ashamed of yourself.  But you don't.  Know what shame is.  Obviously.  I'm talking to you, Just-Us Thomas.  And thus, this bloviation does end up at least flirting with politics.  Hmm.  You just can't get away from it, I guess.