By Way of Introduction

You can lead a horse to the polls, but you can't make him vote. They would have to modify the booth to accommodate his horse shape.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Muppets Start WWIII

Many of you remember The Muppet Show from your youth as the funnier, less preachy, and less educational evening version of Sesame Street. You fondly recall the two judges in the box seats making verbal jabs at the show going on below them. You sometimes confuse the Swedish chef with Beaker, rarely remember Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and still call the dirty hippie girl "the dirty hippie girl" because you don't remember ever knowing what her name was (it's Janice!). Well, I hate to break this news to you, but apparently the Muppets are sinister seditionists whose main goal is to undermine American values and society and, ideally, start the War Between the Classes. Worst of all, they're doing this by brainwashing our own children! And on our own dimes!

The video is long, because FoxNews couldn't figure out anything better to do with seven minutes of air time, but the upshot is that The Muppets are pinko commie... puppets. In fact, if you rearrange the letters in The Muppet Show, you get "Evil Liberal Agenda." Coincidence? I think not.

Slightly off subject, couldn't real news sue Fox for misrepresenting it? I mean, I can't just call my blog Rupert Murdoch's Evil Empire Mouthpiece, can I? Or... can I?

But don't accuse FoxNews of being one-sided, and don't give the Muppets all the credit. Apparently, Henson's creations are just picking up the baton from Sesame Street.

You should have seen this coming, truthfully. Ernie and Bert are gay, Big Bird is a tranny, Oscar the Grouch is a bum living off the state, and God only knows what Snuffleupagus is. Put the whole lot of them together, and you get a cadre of imaginary characters who are out to institute a totalitarian regime here in our own United States of America.

"So that's why they called them Reds."
The strange thing is, I had Beaker pegged as an Objectivist, what with the constant "Me me me" attitude, which is a philosophy usually associated with conservatives. Perhaps I've been selling the old boy short.

Friday, December 2, 2011

All Your Bucks Are Belong To Us

For today, a short stick figure dramatization:
If this goes well, one day we may be able to afford noses.

Mo' money, mo problems.

When I was a kid, this would have gotten you four candy bars.

We've got to figure out how to split 117¢ two ways.
Stabbin' people with their hobo knives.

Mostly because they'll be carrying bb guns.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Brooklyn Bridge for Sale

Dateline Georgia: Bill Looman, a businessman in Waco, Georgia has put signs on his company trucks stating “New Company Policy: We are not hiring until Obama is gone.” He says he blames "the people in power" for the economic situation, but his sign doesn't mention the Republican-controlled House - the people that are responsible for the budget, the deficit, and every law we've ever passed in the United States. Nor does he mention that the banks refuse to lend the trillions of dollars they've got sitting in their vaults. So I'm going to go out on a limb here and call Mr. Looman disingenuous.

Unfortunately, I don't think he's alone in his plans to hold out on hiring until Mr. or Mrs. Republican is elected in 2012. I'm not big on conspiracy theories, mostly because people are just not that good at keeping juicy secrets. Or even lame secrets, for that matter.

Still, the plan seems to be to block anything and everything that might help the economy so that President Obama gets blamed and the Republicans can then ride in on their platinum horses and announce that tax cuts for the wealthy will fix the economy. At that point, the banks will start lending that money they've been hoarding (YOUR money, I might point out, if you are a taxpayer and your bank was bailed out) and it will appear as though they were right all along.

And most of us will fall for it. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Minor Observations

A quote from Texas Governor Rick Perry, referencing a campaign contribution from Merck Pharmaceuticals. "It was a $5,000 contribution that I had received from them," Perry said. "I raised about $30 million, and if you're saying that I can be bought for 5,000, I'm offended."

A real straight-up dude.
In fact, he's received closer to $30,000 from Merck over the years, but who's counting? The point most people seem to have missed here is the way he replied to the suggestion that he had been bought by the drug company, and that their contributions to his campaigns led him to issue an executive order requiring the HPV vaccine for young girls in Texas. Note that he doesn't argue that he can be bought, but instead objects to the implication that he could have been bought for such a paltry sum. It takes way more than $5,000 to buy Rick Perry. Apparently, it takes more like $30,000.